It's time to say farewell

For a long time I would flop back and forth on my weight loss want. 

 Why? 

Because I wanted another baby. 

First a little story for you.  

As you know I have two sons.

 I was told A. was going to be a girl.  I had everything pink set up for "her" to come home.  From about 20 weeks on I had a baby girl in my tummy.  I had girl dreams- My mom had girl dreams.   When it came to clothing and what not I received tons at my baby shower as this was the first girl in my hubby's side of the family in over 20 years. Lots of little frilly stuff and even some Gators pink cheerleader outfits. "She" ended up being a week late and I went into labor the day before my birthday.  I was using midwives but delivering in a hospital setting. My water broke in the AM and the hospital was an hour away and since I was late anyway they had me come in. Hour later- no contractions.  They ended up offering me something to start them.  Even thought I knew better I was eager to meet my girl so I accepted.  Long story short each contraction was causing "her" heartbeat to decline so I ended up with a c-section.  On my birthday as it was 5:55am the OB pulled out the baby and said "WOW, THAT CORD WAS TIGHT!... "It's a boy"  My hubby did the first pump and I went HUH?  I'm supposed to have a girl??!!!  Turns out the 20 wk ultrasound was WRONG! One hell of a birthday surprise!! 

Wow, was I bummed.  I mean happy of course that I had a healthy baby but bummed because there was no girlie parts.  Friends showed up with ballons with "It's a girl boy!" on them. (They stopped at the nurses station and borrowed a sharpie to cross out girl)  Now I wish I had kept the mylar one they did that too.  Anyway I felt horrible-  Horrible that I was robbed of my girl and mad at myself because all of the people wanting/trying to have babies who would kill for any sex and I was upset because I got a boy.  What helped me immensely is that one of the nurses from delivery came down to see me in recovery.  She told me she was looking through charts and saw I ended up with a C like she thought I might. But then she saw I had a boy when she knew I had said it was a girl.  She came down to tell me it was OK to be upset, it was OK to grieve for that baby girl I didn't have. No she didn't make the hurt go away but she definitively did help me that day.  I took me quite a while to bond with little A.  First time parents with a new little guy struggling to breastfeed when my milk was not coming in.  (I can make them, and bake them, but I cannot feed them it seems)  I never got the Dolly boob look.  Hell with my second I had prescription meds and I still wasn't cutting it. But I digress because that is not what this post is about. My hubby packed up all the girl stuff and painted the bedroom blue before I ever stepped foot into it.  A coworker of ours at the time had two boys and was done so she gave me all her boy baby stuff.  That was our saving grace right there.

With my second, I still wanted that baby girl so bad.  I was set to deliver at the same hospital but this time I found a OB that would let me attempt to VBAC that took my insurance.  THAT is a mission let me tell you!!  I am 5'3- One OB (very prominent one in my city) told me I couldn't VBAC because I was to short!!!  @@ Well I was determined not to find out what the baby was. The OB claimed he couldn't tell at the 20 wk ultrasound so it didn't matter anyway.  Since I had boy stuff and girl stuff I felt I was covered.  One Saturday night at about 24 wks the baby was having a Rave in my belly.  I couldn't stand the not knowing so I made an appointment at a 3D ultrasound place to find out.  As soon as they put it on me it was instant money shot and we knew we were having a another boy.  I ended up with a 2nd c-section from pre-eclampsia anyway.  Amazing how much easier it was the 2nd time.

Anyway all this time I have held on to the hope that we could have a third child and have it be a girl.  At the same time though the thought of three boys terrified me. LOL  I still have all of the baby big ticket items as I wasn't ready to let them go.  It is time though.  They are all stored away and I hope to pass them on to someone who will truly appreciate them- Or to my sister when they are ready but that is still a few years away.  

When I was on a weight loss kick I was all gung ho- then I would fall back into that wanting baby and stop because I could lose that way. Why?  Because I actually lose weight while pregnant.  I only gained 9 lbs with my first and about the same with my second. I was below my start weight pretty much leaving the hospital.  

Confession:  I actually wanted to get pregnant before my sister's wedding last year so I could not feel so self conscious about being fat.  If I was pregnant then I would have a reason that I was carrying so much weight. (I say that as so many gain 40+lbs) 

If you haven't noticed I have been using my blog to write a lot more personal things lately.  I am wanting these trips down memory lane to help me on my journey this time. I have a lot more to come actually.  

Over the years the yearn for my baby girl has wax and waned.  I think it is time to say farewell to the imaginary Lorelai Elsa.  I have come to the conclusion that I will just have to wait for grandkids.  Or my sister- She already knows I plan on stealing her future child/ren often.